Most normal girls would want to spend their birthday getting pampered, going shopping, or having a long, leisurely lunch. Nope, not me. I celebrated my birthday two weeks ago doing exactly what I wanted – weeding my lawn.
After a year of living in my house and learning all the maintenance one must provide one’s beautiful green carpet, I knew as the snow melted and the weather changed – game.was.on.
We’ll call last year my training wheels. Despite a weekly conference with my gardener there was nothing I could do about our overabundance of weeds. With our full Southern sun exposure his advice was to just “stay on top of it”. Boy oh boy did these weeds bother me. They would look at me and smirk. They would laugh at me when I tried to pull them out slowly wiggling in a circle. “Yeah, babe, my roots go deep” they would snort as I fell backwards on my tush from the yank & break. JERKS! *Exhale* I wanted these rude, unwanted squatters to know that in the summer of 2015, their shenanigans and tom foolery would not-fly-here.
So what does a person (who doesn’t want to put chemicals on their lawn & doesn’t want to break their back again from plucking) do to let these multiplying fools know this is a no weed zone? I dreamt up a mean claw on a stick that existed for this very purpose. After looking around, it seemed my dream could become a reality! Apparently others pondered on the existence of such a magical instrument as well! Enter the Fiskars UpRoot® Weed and Root Remover (I get a big smile just thinking about her!).
The Fiskars UpRoot® Weed and Root Remover makes it easy to remove dandelions, thistles and other invasive weeds from your lawn without kneeling, bending over or using chemicals. It features four serrated, stainless-steel claws that grab the weed by its root (for clean removal) and then kicks it out between uses with an easy-eject mechanism on the handle. The weeder also comes with a lifetime warranty.
What the description doesn’t say is it’s pretty bad-ass. It’s beyond simple to operate and when you eject the weed it sounds like you are the Terminator. Naturally, I felt the need to yell “You’re terminated, f$%ker” after each weed eviction. Which you know, was AWESOME. Plus you don’t look weird at all yelling at your lawn.
It is so easy to use. Even with my pre-birthday manicure and pedicure in full effect and wearing flip flops (all bad ideas) I did great, got some good exercise, and left my lawn looking homogeneous and grassy.
Allow me to explain how to use this beautiful unicorn. PS – If you like popping pimples, you will get an extra thrill from this product. Same idea. Extract and unload.
Look for the center of the weed. You’ll see it laughing at you.
Use the 40” handle to jab it in its smirking face.
Push weeder into the ground.
Put your foot on the foot platform.
With your foot on the platform, pull weeder towards you.
You’re terminated f$%ker!
It’s helpful if you have an assistant to collect your weeds since the cleanup is always the worst part. I suggest tricking your child into thinking it’s fun! Sure – wear a tutu! (cue evil laugh)
As we are entering Summer show those unwanted weed interlopers there’s no messing with you. I guarantee you will love this product. If your weeds invited their obnoxious branch/vine friends to your house, check out the Fiskars Lopper as well. I use mine a ton. You can also feel free to yell “Get Off My Plane” like Harrison Ford in Air Force One when you tell those branches who’s the boss.
We all know it was Mona.